REVEREND DOCTOR VICTORIA ALLEN HOWARD'S VOWS

Priest: What is it you ask of God, Victoria?

Victoria: I, Victoria A. Howard, in the year of our Lord 2012, ________, ask the love of God and ask to be His constant companion throughout my life and throughout Eternity. I vow solemnly, gladly and freely to live the anchoritic life in strict solitude so as to be unsullied by the corruption of the world, in fasting, penance and mortification, zeal and righteousness, as a spouse of the Beloved Jesus and the Eternal Triune God, in poverty, chaste celibacy, and obedience to my superiors forever, till the end of my days.

Priest: What vows do you offer?

Victoria: I take Vows of Universal Love, Empathy, Compassion, Gratitude, Evangelical Zeal, Freedom and Friendship towards all peoples and all the Lord's creation as exemplified below. I also take a vow of Inquisitorship, to fight for the pope, defend his life and guard the Roman Catholic Church with all my might and strength.

With the Vow of Universal Love, I, Victoria A. Howard, pledge to love all men. This means to try to ensure the salvation of all men, to bring about their sanctification and to contribute to their material welfare, through time, money and energy spent. I also pledge to care for and about Mother Nature through environmental activism and respect for Planet Earth.

With the Universal Vow of Friendship, I, Victoria A. Howard, pledge to like all men. This means to find something about each one of them that is valuable, sacred, useful and that would make me seek out their company.

With the Universal Vow of Empathy, I, Victoria A. Howard, pledge to try to understand others, and through that understanding, bring about a cessation of warfare and conflict at all times, using diplomatic and non-violent means. This vow consigns me to join Christ in service to all men, based on a shared humanity.

A VOW OF EVANGELICAL ZEAL

VICTORIA: NOT SO MUCH THROUGH WORDS, BUT THROUGH EXAMPLE AND WARMTH SHOWN, THAT PEOPLE MAY KNOW THAT OUR GOD, CHRIST JESUS AND I LOVE THEM. AS FOLLOWERS OF HIS EXAMPLE, WE MUST LAY DOWN OUR LIVES FOR THE SALVATION AND SANCTIFICATION OF ALL MANKIND, AND SPREAD DIVINE JOY ALL OVER THE WORLD. NO FORCE MUST BE EXERCISED AGAINST ANY UNBELIEVER, ONLY GENTLE PATIENCE AND QUIET LISTENING. WE MUST BE THE LOVE OF CHRIST VISIBLE ON EARTH AND THROUH HIM, LOVE ALL. YES, THERE WILL ONE DAY BE ROOM ENOUGH IN THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH FOR ALL GODS AND GODDESSES, AND ALL SHALL BE IN THE LITURGICAL CALENDAR. THIS WEARY WORLD NEEDS AS MUCH HELP AS IT CAN GET. IF WE ACCEPT ALL MEN AND WOMEN, WAR WILL BECOME OBSOLETE, FOR THERE IS NO CLASH BETWEEN RELIGIONS, ONLY BETWEEN PEOPLE.

A VOW OF FREEDOM

VICTORIA: I DEMAND ALL THE RIGHTS AVAILABLE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA; I WILL FIGHT FOR THEM FOR MYSELF AND FOR OTHERS. WHATEVER I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IS MY PREROGATIVE, FOR I BELIEVE IN RELIGIOUS FREEDOM. I AM FREE TO SPEAK TO ANYONE AT ANY TIME, PEOPLE FAR AND WIDE OR CLOSE, THOSE LIVING OR DECEASED, TO ANIMALS, BIRDS OR INSECTS, AND TO THE LORD. NO ONE CAN TAKE THESE RIGHTS AWAY FROM ME. SHOULD ANYONE TAKE AWAY MY RIGHTS, I DEMAND JUSTICE. MY BODY IS MY ONLY TRUE POSSESSION - SO, I WILL BE EVERVIRGIN AS IS MY SPOUSE.

MY VOW OF STABILITY

VICTORIA: SO MUCH DO I APPRECIATE WHERE THE LORD PLANTED ME FIRST, THAT I TAKE A VOW OF STABILITY, NEVER TO LEAVE MY DIOCESE OR PLACE OF RESIDENCE, NOT EVEN FOR TRIPS TO PLACES LIKE THE VATICAN OR THE HOLY LAND. I HAVE SET DOWN MY ANCHOR FOREVER, RIGHT WHERE I LIVE, OR UNTIL I DIE. FAMILIARITY BRINGS PEACE AND CONCENTRATION ON THE TASKS AT HAND; TRAVELING SOLVES NO PROBLEM - IT ONLY ADDS TO ONE‘S DISTRACTIONS FROM THE LORD. HE IS NO MORE AT THE VATICAN OR IN THE HOLY LAND THAN HE IS WHERE I AM NOW.

LET NO ONE DESTROY MY RESOLVE OR MOVE ME AWAY FROM MY CUBICULUM WITHOUT MY OWN PERMISSION. EVEN THEN, THEY HAVE SINNED IF THEY TRY TO TAKE ME AWAY; ALL WHO EVER DID ARE LOST AND DAMNED; AND I WILL GO TO MY DEATH BEFORE I HAVE SEX.

With the Vow of Compassion, I, Victoria A. Howard, pledge to extend a hand to all the suffering people and animals, in sincere hope for their happiness and the fulfillment of their needs. May I eventually become a vegetarian, and stand up for animal rights and welfare. May I allow no one to escape my love, and may I let no one fall through the cracks in society through my own fault to end up alone and troubled. May I always seek them out, and finding them, give them the gift of Friendship.

I take a vow of Gratitude as exemplified below:

With the Vow of Gratitude, I, Victoria A. Howard, pledge to be grateful in all situations, when the Lord gives and when he takes away, when it rains and when it is clear, when it is cold and when it is hot, when I am joyful and when I am disgusted, and when I am perturbed and when I am peaceful. I will tell everyone, every day and in many ways through my words, actions and silences that God is good, at all times and in all seasons.

Priest: What name would you take on?

Victoria: Sister Mary Tabfa, of the Beloved Jesus and the Eternal Triune God. Tabfa is an acronym, a name given by a classmate, meaning “Totally Adorable Best Friend Always.”

Priest: Now be thou consecrated.

Victoria: I solemnly, gladly and freely consecrate myself to God, the Father Almighty, to God, the Son and Savior, to God, the Holy Spirit, Paraclete and to the Blessed Virgin Mary, Advocate and Mediatrix, to serve them all the days of my life.

Priest: What do you offer the Lord?

Victoria: To love and honor Him most chastely, to love and promote the cause of His Holy Roman Catholic Church, to pray, to do lectio divina, to watch edifying religious videos, to do penance and to mortify myself, to listen to chaste music that lifts the spirits, to listen to all the best music to make Jesus happy, to assist at mass, to do manual labor always in His name, to study the Catholic religion and to wear a large crucifix, a tiara for holy Queenship and rings of espousal in public, in order to be a walking icon, representative of Our Church and of His love for all men. I also offer Him the gift of my writing of His love and recording all the wisdom He gives me.

Priest: What do you ask of the Lord?

Victoria: To solemnly, gladly and freely love me, hold me, hide me and guide me; and to grant me the grace of final perseverance, financial security, holy friendships, love from those He sees fit and good health for the rest of my life. I ask him to give me all things I need for my complete sanctification as well as salvation. I ask Him to bless these rings, this tiara and this crucifix through you, Monsignor Ronan, His holy priest and my spiritual director. (Priest blesses items.)

Priest: What more do you ask, child of God?

Victoria: For the victory over my enemies, for to keep all the Ten Commandments perpetually, for the gifts of the Holy Spirit, for following the Beatitudes to perfection, for the cardinal virtues and all virtues, for the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, for to bring the Lord joy through my writing books in His name and in his favor, to remain in prayerful recollection whenever possible, to work for him in the way he sees fit, to lose myself in His love and to be always faithful to the truths He unfolds in me. Finally, I ask your blessing of wisdom and perseverance in holiness upon my soul, Monsignor Ronan. (She receives the blessing.)

Victoria: From now on, I belong to the Lord alone. May I seek His face in the solitude that opens me up to communication with him, and may I seek his love and wisdom in quiet and peace. May He accomplish in me whatever He sees fit, in all things. Thanks be to God. Amen. Alleluia.

This is my legacy to the Catholic Church, what with its years of unmatched service to me.  But I am not satisfied with one path; I search out new ones at all times.  I am well versed in Wicca and Taoism, and next I will search out the field of Yoga, Buddhism and Hinduism in greater depth than ever before.  I will remain a friend to Jesus Christ and Pope Benedict XVI.